Allow me to take the wheel, and light your path.

Describing a profound experience is almost impossible. How does one convey the significance of an experience that transforms the self? In every way. Viscerally, physically, spiritually and psychically I was transformed forever. I've painted it in oils, I've talked about it, and now I write.

I had just moved from the only place I had known. An affluent place in which I grew up. I lived there my entire life, and even married the boy next door. Later we bought my parents house when the time came. The parameters of my world were so small and limited, that when I followed my heart and moved out to the country I felt an explosion of freedom in my soul.

I never realized the impact of the culture I lived in until I got out. It is a society so bent on what you own, who you know, how close you live to the lake, what street you live on, what block of that street you live on, what country club you belong to, which committee you sit on. You get the idea. I never realized how deeply I fought those labels and perceptions. You hear about identity politics? This was more like possession politics. And possessions were not just material possessions, but also the relationships, where you worked, and who you knew.

I never felt known. Friends were impressed with the house I lived in, and the perception that created in their minds. But no one knew the reality of me and what made me me. No one knew the living hell I had experienced in that home growing up. In this culture, more moved by appearances than what is inside a person, it kept me caged under the weight of a wrought iron bars. Each bar represented one more facet of Grosse Pointe life that keeps one's spirit imprisoned.

So now out here in the country, where I know no one, I have a blank slate. I have been praying daily for guidance and to be shown the way. I believe I have a purpose but now what?

Unfortunately this was not answered with a definitive " Oh, ok, now you will do this, and that, and then everything will be perfect." Instead this prayer was answered quite differently.

I had just come in from work, and still had several hours of on-call work. It was a Sunday night on December 3rd. The daylight had long been gone, when the phone rang, and I was called out to a death visit. I had thought it was close by, and as I pulled out of the drive, I put in the address. 50 minutes! 50 minutes? Where in the heck is that? I had never heard of the little Michigan town. Well that is a long way, but I love my job, and someone needed me. I was on my way.

Within 5 minutes of leaving my home, I was dumbfounded at the darkness. I mean, I've lived in the city my entire life. I have never experienced the country at night, on a snowy winter night where I could not see anything. What my headlights illuminated was the only exception. The University of Michigan has a light pollution regulation because of their astronomy studies so there are no street lights. As I contemplated the darkness, just then a deer darted out from the brush on the left side of the road, and the immediate surge of adrenalin coursed through my body. Holy cow! I thought. "Remember to hit the deer, not swerve to miss it. Trees do not move, deer do, so if you have to hit a deer, hit it. Do not swerve." My boyfriend's words echoed in my head, as we had just talked about this a few days earlier. He's so lovingly teaches this city girl about things a city girl does not know,

As I braced myself for the hit, the deer suddenly turned around, and took off. And God took the wheel. "Allow me to guide you to your visit," He said. "I will show you how to get there. You trust me. I will light your way."

Just then the Bible verse about lighting my path entered my thoughts. Seriously? Okay, I am going to trust this, I decided. I going to make different decisions now. My entire body relaxed in a knowing He was in control. As I continued to drive in pitch black country roads, with not so much as a stop sign, gas station, or convenience store, I passed two cars only on the entire ride. I settled back into the palm of God's hand as I allowed Him to show me. He also showed me the legions of Angels surrounded the car on either side, as if to say, "Make way, hospice nurse coming through." I drove like this for 50 minutes. I even stopped on these roads and took pictures, because I never wanted to forget this experience.

When I finally reached my destination I asked my patients husband where I was. He said the Irish Hills. "Holy Cow." I thought. "That is a long way from home. I was really far from home."

I finished up my visit, pronouncing, preparing the body, destroying medications, calling the appropriate places and oddly, looked forward to my drive home. If I can open my heart to that same experience on the way home, that would be great.

And I did. The entire way home, I just basked in knowing the Lord has me in the palm of His hand, and if I allow him to show me, then He will. But there is so much uncertainty.

At the end of December I sadly lost my job as a hospice nurse. This was devastating. I love my work. I feel it is a calling for sure, and yet now I am without the work I love. Now what?

"Allow me to light the path." I heard.

3 weeks later, I found out I had been walking on a fractured ankle and foot. I had fractured it earlier in October and it had healed. But the day after Christmas I had twisted it again, and thinking it was just sprained waited for it to get better. But it wasn't. Hence the visit back to the orthopedic. As I sat it the doctor office, I heard "You fractured it much worse, in the same spot, and you also fractured the arch of your foot" I was not only stunned, but humiliated. How could I have done this? How could I be so stupid? I was pretty darn mad at myself. But then the lead foot, no pun intended ,came down hard. "We're putting you in a walking boot for 6 weeks" I immeidately felt smashed down so hard.

Have any of you walked around in one of those? It is EXHAUSTING! Normally I would not let this phase me. I have been in them so many times. But this time? The body memories of walking in a walking boot, with the uneven gait, the stress of trying to move through your days as though everything is normal flooded back. I can not do this again. I cannot move through life like nothing is going on. It is just too tiring, and I do not have it in me to carry on with my life as I normally would. I knew I could not do it, He had my attention.

Now what? Where am I going with this?

Write a blog. Write, write and write some more. That is what I am hearing. So that is what I am going to do. I have no idea where this is going, but I do know I am being lead. One of my friends was asking me about this blog. Well how did you start it? How did you do this? I told her, I just got on line, and started listening to voice within and began.

So I am sorry if I do not have a message that is so completely wrapped up in a neat little package with a bow on top. I do not know where I am going, just like on that December wintery night. I am following His lead, and I know, just like on that Sunday night, that though I do not know exactly where I am going, I am on a path that has Him in charge. If this is the case, then I really can not be too lost. I may not know where I am, or where I am going but I will eventually get there, if I continue to follow his lead. This is trust. How many people have you heard say, if you do not know where you are going, any road will take you there. Well I know I am following. That I know. I am not much of a follower. I am much more a leader. But I have to learn new lessons if I want to be who He needs me to be in the world. And He is lighting my path.